jennerosity everyday: April 2017

Embrace Contentment..AND...ATTACK Like a MAD DOG!!!

This fairly high contrast, ebb and flow, yin yang type of statement or mantra comes after a weekend that hit me with the blues again, and this time I'm not giving in to it. I found that I need to have a dual purpose mode of action in my brain, one that can be at peace with the present, yet still simmering with tenacity that will slowly and surely bring the results I am pursuing for my future.

I can explain.

The words "embrace contentment" came to me one day recently, probably while I was out walking my dog. Being out in nature always centers me, helps me think, to decompress, to bring me back to my true self. I love having a path in the woods to explore every day, where I'm always discovering new things and new sensations that beat anything you can find on an electronic screen. Flooding the senses with 10 minutes of natural stimuli is so therapeutic to me, that it's no surprise that I would see the beauty in just hanging onto these precious "little things" in life, for really, the greatness of life is summed up in just a big collection of little things. Little moments, here and there, that make you smile, warm your heart, make you glad to be alive. The smell of the morning air outside. The mist rising up from the pond. The vivid neon green of moss on a log that's been laying in the forest for ages. And other things, like that first cup of coffee in the morning. Seeing your kids play nicely together, with No Fighting! A smile on a dog. Being thankful for my health, for millions of things.

But then there's always a clincher. A bad egg, so to speak, something that gets thrown into the pot of contentment that spoils my mood. Like, looking out at our beautiful back yard, the feeling of being in a sanctuary with nothing but woods and nature for the next few acres behind us. The perfect swimming pool with gorgeous landscaping around it that the previous owners planted as a work of love. The house with ample space for all of our activities, even places to retreat to be alone or just relax, especially the breezy screen porch with the nice views. But then...the thorn on the rose...the thought comes in, "if ONLY I could share this with someone I loved with ALL of me, someone who made my heart skip a beat now and then, or at least warmed it like a comfortable old sweater over the years. Not like putting on a prickly, broken flip flop that leaves you feeling out in the cold."

If only. Those two words, like a wet blanket over a fire, make me realize that I'm not done here yet. Yes, I will continue to live out my mantra, "the grass is still green" and do the best I can in this place, but there are miles to go before I sleep. Besides enjoying the little things the best I can, I will also never give up on my dreams. There's a passion deep inside for living the kind of life that doesn't stop with just settling down in a nice house with a nice pool, and a nice backyard. Nope, material things for maintaining and clinging to is not why I am here. I was born to chase after other dreams. Even if I don't reach them all, I will not resign without giving it all I've got.

Yes, dreams. They may change like shifting vapors in the wind, but the general idea is the same. I'm a drifting cloud of wanderlust, with a passion for sharing my discoveries and making new friends in new places. Lately, this dream can be summed up in the words, "When I 'grow up', (or become available to dream again) I want to be...a travel blogger." Well, sort of . The main thing is that I want to be, number one, a TRAVELER, or a person living in exotic places, who happens to make a living at freelance writing, preferably about the places I'm discovering, but whatever it takes or whatever inspires me for writing about at the time. And if my life circumstances prevent me from living as a homeless nomad, flitting about the globe, living here and there for short bouts of time, then I still want to be an adventurer in spirit, living self sufficiently enough so that I still have those options open.

I can see myself now, living in a rental house on a mountain in a jungle near the coast of Madagascar, perhaps... enjoying the quiet of the jungle to focus on my writing, then venturing out to meet the townspeople..buying my tropical fruits at the market, visiting with school children and teaching each other our native languages..and of course, enjoying the beaches and amazing wildlife, too. (like lemurs!) Perhaps going out to eat at a restaurant and then writing up a review to help promote the tourism industry there.

Who knows, I could end up anywhere, but I'm just very excited to learn that it really is possible to make a living doing what you love, writing , and you don't have to be "just one of the lucky ones" who publishes a real paper book to own that privilege. I'm just learning all this stuff, and not sure what my results will be, but even if I'm not as successful as I'd like to be, you can't say I didn't try. I will not give up.

I was moved by this snippet about J.K. Rowling, and her words to the 2008 Harvard graduates to whom she spoke, discussed here:

When she gave the commencement address at Harvard University in June 2008, for example, Rowling encouraged the graduates to redefine what the world "failure" means. "Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it," she said. Rowling then confessed she had "failed on an epic scale" just seven years after her own college graduation. "An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless," she recalled. At the time, she said, "I was the biggest failure I knew."
"Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality," she said. "So, why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential."

"I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea," the author added. "And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."
"You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations," she said. "Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies."
"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

(see the entire article here: http://bedford22225.supergallerystream.me/in-just-8-tweets-j-k-rowling-inspires-millions)

My take-away from this? My favorite points:

1. "Failure meant the stripping away of the nonessential."

For me, realizing what I REALLY wanted in life, made the gains of material things so much paler than before. Opening my eyes to see where I'd failed made me realize I'd gone down the wrong path, and the only way back to my true path is to strip away those nonessentials and live life truthfully, from my honest heart.

While this is taking much longer than I'd like it to, I'm finding that the extra time is actually creating some things, building up some things, that I didn't think were possible. Such as, the ability to co-exist in the same home as your ex, without constantly feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Of course it takes two to both be on the same page with this, something that's hard when the course of my action is not something to be desired by the other, but it has its moments of peaceful platonic relating, almost like co-workers enjoying each other's company in a work setting. Very weird, I know. An alternate reality that's working "ok" for me, for now. Sometimes. Some days are better than others. Weekends are hard.

(And this is a bit of a detour from the topic, but I needed to mention it, it's a part of the stripping away thing. And I'm taking a break from my individual counseling sessions, I think, as i start a group counseling thing tomorrow, will let you know how that goes sometime.. but yeah, so just getting in some "talk therapy" here, if you know what I mean.)

2. This: "I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. " (end quote)

So true to me, too. I've realized that other career paths, or quick-hire hourly wage jobs are just not me. They won't last for the long run. (Sorry, mom & dad, I can't follow in your footprints of being a public school teacher, didn't work for me.) I am a writer. Of sorts, I will add, as i don't exactly have the drive or the interest, really, in writing a fiction novel, but will be happy to write short non-fiction gigs for the rest of my life, as long as I can be myself and write with my own voice. I can't be shut up in a cubicle as a copywriter or proofreader just utilizing my skills, though I might for a short time, if it's the right situation. I need to just do what gives me joy, in my work. There's a quote someplace that says to Choose a career that you love, and you will never work a day in your life. That's how writing feels to me, when I'm in the flow of it, writing from my heart.

So that's where I shall end tonight. I guess that could've been two separate posts, but that's ok. This isn't the place where I write for the scrutinizing eyes of the social media world, the comparing eyes of other bloggers or anything. This is where I dance. And so what if the others can't hear the music and so think I'm insane. I will continue to dance.

Goodnight!