mantra

words that go through my head...keep me going...like a mantra...
like, gratitude...count my blessings...financial security.....keep busy...think, don't feel...swim shallow.....kids' well-being...keep it light...count your blessings...look straight ahead...image is everything....convenience...smile...don't go deep...turn off the music...just breathe...mattel....thankfulness...just sleep...platonic...eat more donuts...chin up...make plans...don't flinch...be real...even when it hurts...even when it's awkward...hold out for someday...(it's not such a bad thing..)

End of school year!!

5th Grade Graduation Ceremony!

                                      Samantha with her good friends Sarah & Ashley..

                                                    I'm so proud of my girl!!

                                 

Sam with her teacher, Ms. Boyd, and Adams Elementary principal, Mr. Hooper.  

                            I still can't believe it's been six years since she started here as a tiny                                                                                    kindergartener!!

  And then today was Colby's 1st grade class end-of-year celebration.  They sang songs, received awards, and we watched a video presentation of their year in pictures.  Sad to see them grow up so quickly, yet such a sweet reminder to enjoy every little minute while they're little.              
                       

                                Me, Colby, and his 1st grade teacher, Miss Hughes. (she was great!)

Below is a video of Colby receiving the "Mathlete" award, for being so good at all things math.

                      I am so proud of both of my children.  They are such a blessing!!!

p.s.

the darkness is returning.
please pray.
these pills look tempting.

"they"

when they act happy
i feel worse
if they only knew
how i'm dying

i have so much to be thankful for
why can't i just be thankful?

broken hearts are lonely hearts.

when they smile
i want to cry
if they only knew
i don't share that joy
their first glimpse of gain
is my crushed spirit of loss.

regret

how could i make such a terrible mistake?
i knew it, i knew it in the first five seconds
my intuition screamed NO!
why? why did i not listen to my gut?
instead of waking up later
much later
in the throes of regret?
(hanging my head in shame & remorse)

to be continued...someday....on a better note..i hope...

Psyching up

ok, here goes.  i'm lazy, lethargic, just wanna crawl back in bed.
but i won't.
i am getting up, getting ready to go to this class.
just wait, mr. robb, i'm on my way..
(i know he's gonna wup my butt)
i can do this...pain is gain...

later alligator!



11:59 am. Squeal into the gym parking lot, one minute to spare. (why i always always allow only the least amount of time to get someplace that i possibly can, assuming i can drive 70 mph the whole way with no red lights, is beyond me,...) The entrance is in the back, so i almost have a head-on collision with another car just leaving.  Looking for a place to park.  Spot a personalized plated, gay-pride-stickered, silver Mercedes coupe.  yup, Robb's here.  A couple cars down, I find a space, next to another car with that same gay pride sticker. hmmm, now i'll be scoping around class, thinking, "which one of you is...?"

A tad late, but in time for the upper-body, boxing warm-up.  560 punches in just 5 minutes, including 3 short breaks, Robb informs us.  That's nothing compared to the final boxing track of 700-something punches, mostly hard consecutive hooks, all on one side, nonstop.  but that's later on..

I slip in behind mr. guido-man, and i apologize if that's sounds racist, but actually wikepedia says it's no longer a demeaning term, just a word for a working-class Italian-American who "conducts himself in an overtly macho manner".  like this dude.  He's shorter than me, so i have no problem seeing the instructor over his fuzzy little head.  rather squat & overly-muscle bound, too.  Reminds me of the  gorilla in the Donkey Kong game, but i try not to think about that or i crack up and can't concentrate.

and i need to concentrate here!

 Kung fu crane move starts our killer lower-body work-out, specifically one-leg squats, esquivas, and switch lunges. "Not a plyometric movement where you use a high bounce to propel you up to switch legs in the lunge, but stay low, use those glutes!" says Robb. ouch.

  Then my favorite: Muay Thai moves to Kick Start my Heart by Motley Crue.  Stick jabs, ascending elbow strikes.  "use your sharp elbow to tear up your opponent's face!" (I'm shredding him today!) Then on the knee strikes: "your opponent's head is not going to go voluntarily into your knee. Gotta put your hands together, yank his head down and JAM it into your knee!!"  (we be jammin here..)  Then we add that yummy push-kick, with the instructions to lean back, and with a flat foot, use a circular motion to push that foot into his belly..you should feel it "here" (points to mid-thigh) through "here" (mid-abdomen)  I'm doing my best to shove my imaginary opponent down to the ground with great force, and Robb points at me and says, "That was GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!"  I feel so proud, like a grade school kid who just had her book  report praised by her third grade teacher.  So grinny that I almost forget how to do my other favorite muay thai move, the traveling brawler punches.  He reminds us to use the distance between our high-raised fist all the way down to our on-the-ground opponent's face.  Slam! Bam!  I visualize that youtube video of the Asian girl beating the stink out of that mean bully chick who totally deserved those brawler blows.




We do our 700-whatever punch super boxing track, "emptying our tanks" as he commands us to, and then we do our light jog around the room, high-fiving him on the way as we grab our mats and get ready to finish off with sit-ups and push-ups. Good stuff, but I really miss the hip escape push-ups we used to do. I think people complained too much, they were too "challenging" for some. What??? those things were awesome, and made you feel like such a sneaky ninja! oh well. one day, if i am ever a body combat instructor myself, i will throw in lots and lots of hip escape push-ups.

As i start up my car in the parking lot, the owner of the gay pride sticker car beside me also arrives to leave.  and sure enough, just as i expected, it belongs to this particular person that i suspected was "checking me out" in class a few times.  and it isn't a "he".  i'm so good at picking these people out, if i do say so myself... ;-D

Such a good work-out, i rationalized that i desserved a little retail therapy afterwards, so i take a detour before going home..


..and since i was still feeling a bit of residue from my yesterday's sadness, this therapy was well taken.  i mean, ask any girl, and you will not find one who is not at least a little bit cheered up by the purchase of a new purse, and new shoes.

ahhh, that's better.  

till next time!

(p.s. new release of the next Body Combat set coming soon!!)

sermon notes

1 Sam. 17

all i want is for people to know my heart.  my real heart.  that i'm not just a mean person but a person who is finally finding her voice and needs to say some things once and for all, words that are my truths. 

God is my provider.

.... truths that create a more accurate picture of who i am.

My past choices do not define who I am today.  if i could go back, i'd make some other choices, but time went on, my  voice got buried, things just happened, and so i aligned my life to look like the choices i made.  but it was just an image.  not the real me.  so God.  help me tear myself out of this false image, to crawl out, brush myself off, stand up on my own 2  very wobbly legs, like a newborn calf.

Don't forget what you learned when you were being tested.

  i will still struggle with difficult conversations, i still try to avoid awkward, uncomfortable situations where i need to speak up and say something but i don't because i'm afraid. or i pretend it's fine and i go along with people who try to persuade me, just to please them, to get them to stop pressuring me.  stop, stop, stop pressuring me.just let me choose.  just let me be me.  

i want my dream to come true, for once.  no more settling.  hear my prayer, Lord.   and if my dream cannot come true, at least let me be free to be me.

"A faith that has not been tested cannot be trusted."

"Faithful obedience may lead you to your biggest obstacle in life."

(see, i did TOO pay attention in church..)